Hurt People Hurt People - So What Can You Do About It?

Emotional pain has a way of showing up in our relationships. The phrase “hurt people hurt people” rings true because unresolved pain often turns into reactive behavior—sometimes without us even realizing it. If you’re in a place of hurt, you may be asking yourself: what can I actually do about it?

The first step is understanding where that pain comes from. People usually don’t lash out because they’re unkind—they do it because they’re struggling. That friend who snaps at you after a long day may be carrying anxiety, burnout, or old wounds that have nothing to do with you. When we recognize that behavior often stems from pain, it becomes easier to respond with empathy instead of taking it personally.

When someone lashes out, the best response isn’t to match their intensity—it’s to pause. Take a breath. Ask yourself: Is this really about me, or is this about something they haven’t dealt with yet? Setting boundaries is important, but leading with curiosity instead of defensiveness can de-escalate the moment. A calm, grounded response doesn’t mean you’re excusing the behavior—it means you’re choosing not to add fuel to the fire.

For example, if someone snaps at you, instead of snapping back or shutting down, you might say: “It sounds like you’re having a rough day. I’m here if you want to talk about it, but I won’t let you take it out on me.” That kind of response protects your boundaries while also leaving space for connection. And in many cases, that small shift can change the entire tone of an interaction.

Breaking the cycle begins with self-awareness. Acknowledging your emotions—without judgment—creates room to heal. Ask yourself: are you holding on to pain from a past experience? A relationship that ended badly? A loss that never fully settled? Confronting those emotions, rather than pushing them aside, is what allows you to move forward.

As healing begins, something important happens: your pain stops being something that controls you and starts becoming something you can work with. Talking to a trusted friend, journaling, or joining a support group can be powerful ways to release some of what you’ve been carrying. When you share your experience, you give others permission to do the same—and that kind of connection can be deeply healing.

Self-compassion is key. It's easy to fall into self-blame or feel like you should be over it by now. But healing isn’t linear, and there’s no deadline for feeling better. Remind yourself that it's okay to feel what you feel. Emotions come and go—that's normal. Giving yourself that grace creates a healthier, more supportive relationship with yourself.

Mindfulness can help, too. Simple practices like meditation, walking, or writing can create a bit of distance from overwhelming thoughts and emotions. They help you stay grounded in the present, where you can respond with intention instead of reacting out of pain.

So what can you do with the hurt you’re carrying? Start by facing it, not fighting it. Reach for connection. Practice compassion—for yourself and others. Healing doesn’t mean forgetting what happened—it means turning your pain into something meaningful. When hurt people begin to heal, they don’t pass their pain on. They become the ones who help others heal, too.